Movie – Transformers: Dark of the Moon: B-

It was the best of the series. But the best of bad doesn’t make it awesome by any stretch. For some unfathomable reason, the audience is again forced to sit through excruciatingly long scenes of humans attempting to act out human, not-at-all-robot-related, relationship and vocational problems. And not only are the scenes long and painful, they contain nearly a dozen characters no one should ever care about! Eventually some Transformers show up and then awesome, but visually confusing, things happen and things go splodey. Luckily, Bay slowed down then action, and brightened it up for 3D which helps the aforementioned visual confusion. The action is better, the silly scenes aren’t quite as bad as the previous films (though still exhausting) but the plot is still a quagmire and the editing is so bad that it’s distracting. And finally, Dark of the Moon is one of the worst subtitles ever.


Movie – Fast Five: D

I have no idea how this movie received enough favorable reviews to warrant a 79% on Rotten Tomatoes. I’m a fan of action movies and can suspend my disbelief to the extent to enjoy most of them, but the stunts were so obviously impossible even the most layman theater-goer would find them hard to swallow. All the dialog is awful; all of it. I don’t think Vin Diesel can remember more than one sentence at a time. He spent the whole movie delivering insipid one-liners with a stupid look on his face. They also shoved a pointless car race and some other references to underground racing just so they could justifiably include it in the franchise.