Movie – Pompeii: D

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Pompeii felt like a Roland Emmerich disaster film but with plots from Titanic and Gladiator. It spewed more terrible, lazy dialog at me than the titular volcano spewed fireballs. Every plot point felt forced, it was riddled with anachronisms, and the sets looked fake and/or obvious CG. Kit Harrington perpetually wore his signature befuddled look, and Kiefer Sutherland hammed up his performance so much I think he thought it was a comedy. And the actual volcanic disaster part of the plot was hidden behind boring sword-and-sandal cliches until I could no longer be bothered to care.

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Movie – The Mist: D

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I saw this film because I love movie monsters. I disliked this film because the monsters were its only redeeming factor, and even then they were rendered with terrible CG. Its attempted commentary on humanity failed, instead delivering frustratingly annoying characters who make unbelievable actions. Poor plotting and a stupid “gotcha!” ending.

Movie – Dungeons & Dragons: Wrath of the Dragon God: D


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Unless you’ve played Dungeons & Dragons, you should never watch this film. If you have played, then the overt references to the game are the only mildly redeeming factor. Even then, they go so far out of their way to point them out that it feels like when a video game attempts to work the control tutorial into the storyline. It did indeed have a dungeon, and dragons, and that’s pretty much all it did right.

Movie – Snow White and the Huntsman: D


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I have a love-hate relationship with trailers. The creator of this trailer is some sort of marketing wizard. It’s as though they created an awesome trailer, and then someone filled in the rest of the movie with the muck that made up the majority of this film. It was full of confusing scripting/editing choices, often ignoring potential to pursue its disjointed script. Kristen Stewart was awful (and certainly not “The Fairest”), Thor was barely acceptable, and Charlize Theron’s Queen seemed forced, though I blame the dialog and director.

Movie – Think Like a Man: D


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Basically, it was a long commercial for Steve Harvey’s book. I don’t know how self-help relationship-advice books became a genre of movie but they’re all the same. Gather 4 or 5 relationships each with different problems and watch them overcome them. Awful. Simply awful. And the annoying narrator explaining to us that the scene we’re about to watch is to convey this emotion or plot point is just insulting. We can figure that out on our own. Flat characters and bad plotting, topped with a sappy predictable ending.

Movie – Tree of Life: D


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As often is the case for me, I didn’t get the hype. Nothing profound was shown, and certainly not stated. The beginning was like a watching a demo reel of IMAX films on space and dinosaurs overlaid with whispered poetry that sounded like a wrist-cutting high-schooler. (Actual lines: “I cry to you. My soul. My son. Hear us.”) Then we’re treated to a bland tale of a boy hating his father told with minimal dialog and artistic camera work, broken up with hyper-symbolic images of Sean Penn wondering (and wandering) existentially. Pretentious and uninteresting. It was nice to see some scenes set in Houston though.

Movie – The Tiger Blade: D


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After this and Ong-Bak 3, I’m starting to think Tony Jaa’s first few films are the only good Thai films out there. The plot was incomprehensible, the sequencing confusing, the acting atrocious, and the special effects distracting. If I hadn’t been watching this in a group setting, I don’t think I would’ve finished it.